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Talkie Toaster
"May I Just ask one question... would anyone like any toast?" -'Talkie Toaster' (RD: White Hole) Talkie Toaster, The Toaster or simply TT, is a minor recurring character in the Red Dwarf novels and television series. Manufactured by a Taiwanese company named Crapola Inc, Talkie Toaster was an annoying, monomaniacal, artificially-intelligent electric bread toaster purchased by Dave Lister whilst on planet-leave at a second-hand junk shop on Miranda, along with a robot goldfish and a smuggled pet cat. Despite being more intelligent than the Red Dwarf computer Holly, the novelty kitchen appliance was, on top of being defective, only designed to provide light conversation at breakfast time, and as such it was totally single-minded and tried to steer every conversation to the subject of toast. Talkie Toaster appeared in the Red Dwarf novels, and in the television series, two episodes of Series I, a deleted scene in Series II, and once in a rebuilt form in Series IV. Appearances Novels In the second novel, Better Than Life, it is explained that Talkie Toaster was bought by Lister at a souvenir shop on Miranda for the princely sum of $£19.99 (dollarpounds) plus tax. It was not fitted with a Silicon Heaven belief chip, and therefore had no concept of an afterlife, or even right and wrong. Most of its kind were intelligent enough to sense the mood of its owner, but Lister's toaster was not, or was defective, or just didn't care as to the mood of it's owner. Instead of tact and subtlety, it would merely demand Lister ate toast, constantly. Refusals and rebuttals would result in hysterical sobbing and abuse from the toaster that would make a pimp blush. TT helped Holly double his original IQ but shortened his life to three and a half minutes. He won 793 consecutive chess games against Holly. During this time, the Toaster also saved the crew from death: while Holly was a genius, he explained to the Toaster how to escape from a Black Hole, information which later came in useful when the crew encountered one. The Toaster did not, however, merely volunteer this information: it practically tortured the crew by forcing them to eat ridiculous amounts of toast before talking (The Cat later explains that the toast was burnt, cold and soggy). When the crew is attacked by a polymorph, and the crew loses a certain emotion (Rimmer loses his anger, Lister loses his fear, The Cat loses his vanity and Kryten loses his guilt), the Toaster is destroyed by Kryten before the Polymorph is destroyed and their personalities are returned to normal - except for Talkie Toaster. Talkie Toaster was subsequently repaired, but its personality circuits were damaged to the point where it believed it was a moose, and was reduced to making loud bellowing noises and threatening to charge the crew with its antlers. Television series In two episodes of Series I, Talkie Toaster appears as a standard 1970s toaster made from stainless steel but with a circular light on the side which flashes as he speaks, and is voiced by John Lenahan. The Toaster would keep interjecting in conversations in surprisingly and annoyingly smart ways, and whenever possible would try eventually to steer the conversation towards toast. He likes to greet people with the phrase, "Howdy-doodly-do, how's it going?". In a deleted scene from the first episode of Series II, Talkie Toaster is seen singing a duet with The Cat (this scene can be seen in the special features of the Series II DVD.) Eventually Talkie Toaster became too much for Lister who smashed the Toaster into 3000 separate pieces with a 14lb lump hammer (which the Toaster later describes as "First degree toaster-cide"), and his change in appearance may mean that Kryten had to fit a different casing. In the Series IV episode White Hole, Talkie Toaster appears rebuilt by Kryten with a housing of red plastic, with his name "Talkie Toaster" emblazoned on the side, and rather more flashing red and green lights (originally from "Box", the computer in Star Cops) - although they have nothing to do with when he speaks, which is indicated by the press-down handle that would usually be used to start bread toasting - and is voiced by David Ross (who originally played Kryten in Series II). The second novel's description matches his appearance in Series IV. Kryten eventually repaired the Toaster in order to use him as a guinea-pig for "intelligence compression" — restoring his former intelligence (his AI chips were very badly damaged) at the cost of reducing his operational lifespan. After it worked with him Kryten tried it on Holly, but a miscalculation made her twice as smart as she used to be and left her with only three-and-a-half minutes to live. Later on by blocking up a "white hole" (opposite of a black hole, and which spews out time) time was reset to before the Toaster was repaired so he did not end up repaired after all. The Toaster's repaired personality was somewhat different from his original one: it now had a different voice and no longer tried to hide its obsession with toast. Where before, the Toaster would cut into a conversation, insult someone, and then make some reference to toast, the new Toaster was barely able to go more than two sentences without asking if someone would like a cooked bread product. Talkie Toaster was presumably destroyed by Lister once again and never again repaired, judging by the fact he has only been mentioned but not seen since the fourth series. The timeline in White Hole was erased, therefore the Talkie Toaster had no longer had a shortened life-span due to intelligence compression. It is possible that Talkie Toaster still exists but unseen, since Lister and the Cat mention having numerous rounds of toast instead of partaking in Rimmer's emergency drill. (RD: Emohawk) toaster01_bootup.png|TT's boot-up sequence after being destroyed by Lister toaster01_visual.png|The diagnostics of the A.I. System K177 toaster01_krytenhead.jpg|TT awakes to see Kryten TT4.jpg|TT doing what he does best Toastargument.jpg|Lister and Kryten berate TT Hollysupersmart.jpg|Holly with an I.Q. of 12,000 converses with Talkie Toaster bread_dwarf_by_p2pproductions-d64eq8t.jpg|Artwork by P2P productions Quotes Television series * [Lister is shaving and singing Lunar City Seven out of tune]: Talkie Toaster: "You can't sing, you know..." Lister: "And I suppose you can, can you?" Talkie Toaster: "Oh, just cause I'm a toaster, I'm tone deaf?" Lister: "Go on then!" Talkie Toaster: "Welcome to the Starlight Ballroom..." [Talkie Toaster begins singing Sinatra's Fly Me To The Moon with gusto, causing Lister to hammer it with his shaving foam-covered fist, and the impact causes Talkie Toaster to go offline] (RD: Future Echoes) * Talkie Toaster: "Would you like some toast? Some nice hot crisp brown buttered toast. No? How about a muffin then? Nothing? You know the last time you had toast. 18 days ago, 11.36, Tuesday 3rd, two rounds. I mean, what's the point in buying a toaster with artificial intelligence if you don't like toast. I mean, this is my job. This is cruel, just cruel." (RD: Waiting for God ) * Lister: "No. Shhh. I'm busy." Talkie Toaster "Not busy eating toast though are you?" Lister: "I don't want any" Talkie Toaster: "The whole purpose of my existence is meaningless if you don't want toast." Lister: "Good." Talkie Toaster: "I toast, therefore I am." (RD: Waiting for God ) * Lister: This is terrible. Holy wars! Killing! They're just using' religion as an excuse to be extremely crappy to each other. Talkie Toaster: "So what else is new?" (Lister makes a face as if to say "good point") (RD: Waiting for God ) * Cat is indulging in a bit of karaoke, screeching and wailing, with the [[Skutters] on keyboard and Talkie Toaster dueting] Talkie Toaster: "Do-wop do-wop-wop..." Cat: "Hold it! What are you doing?" Talkie Toaster: "I keep getting lost..." Cat: "What you are doing is coming in too early. You're coming in on the EEEE when you should be coming in on the YYYY. You're making the whole thing sound stupid." Talkie Toaster: "Maybe I should quit the band. I don't understand Cat music." Cat: "Look, it's simple. It's just a love song about a Cat and his everlasting love for his lady cat. It's called I love you babe until a new chick comes along." (RD: Kryten'' deleted scene)'' * Talkie Toaster: "Howdy doodly do. How's it going? I'm Talkie, Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion. Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. Anyone like any toast?" Lister: Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast." Kryten: "Let me have a talk to him, mechanical to mechanical. Now you listen here..." Talkie Toaster: "How about a muffin?" Lister: "Or muffins! We don't like muffins 'round here! We want no muffins, no toast, no tea cakes, no buns, baps, baguettes, or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes, and no hot cross buns, and definetely, no smeggin' flapjacks!" Talkie Toaster: "Aaah...so you're a waffle man!" (RD: White Hole) * Holly: IQ has been increased to 12,000 Strike a light! I'm a genius again! I know everything! Metaphysics, philosophy, the purpose of being-everything! Ask me a question, any question, and I'll answer it." Talkie Toaster: "Any question?" Holly: "Yes." Talkie Toaster: "How to break the speed of light? How to marry quantum mechanics and classical physics? Any question at all, truly anything and you will answer?" Holly: "Yes." Talkie Toaster: "OK, here's my question: Would you like some toast?" Holly: "No, thank you. Now ask me another." Talkie Toaster: "Do you know anything about the use of chaos theory in predicting weather cycles?" Holly: "I know everything there is to know about chaos theory and predicting weather cycles" Talkie Toaster: "Oh, very well. Here's my second question: Would you like a crumpet?" Holly: "I'm a computer with an I.Q. of 12,000. You don't seem to understand; I know the meaning of the universe." Talkie Toaster: "That's not answering my question." Holly: irritated "No, I would not like a crumpet! Now ask me a sensible question, preferably one that isn't bread related." Talkie Toaster: "Very well. I have a third question. A sensible question. A question that will tax your new I.Q. to its very limits and stretch the sinews of you knowledge to bursting point." Holly: This is going to be about waffles, isn't it?" Talkie Toaster: Certainly not. And I resent the implication that I'm a one-dimensional, bread-obsessed electrical appliance." Holly: I apologise, toaster. What's the question?" Talkie Toaster: The question is this: Given that God is infinite, and that the universe is also infinite... would you like a toasted teacake?" Holly: "That's another bready question". Talkie Toaster: "It's not just bready. It's quite curranty, too." (RD: White Hole) * Talkie Toaster: Holly has realised her time-shortened predicament "Well here's my next question, what the smeg are you going to do?" (RD: White Hole) * Talkie Toaster: is shutting herself off "Wait, before you go, there is one question, an important one, the others will have to know!" Holly: alarmed What? What?" Talkie Toaster: "Would you like a cheese and ham Breville?" (RD: White Hole) Novels * Cat: "What happens if we get sucked into this Black Hole? Is that a bad thing?" Talkie Toaster: "A Black Hole is a giant, unstable star that's collapsed into itself. It's gravitational pull is so enormous that nothing can escape - light, time, nothing. How about a potato cake?" Rimmer: "Look, would you kindly shut your grill? I'm trying to think." Cat: "Can't we just fly through it, and out the other side?" Talkie Toaster: "Nice idea, and perhaps we can stop off at the souvenir shop in the middle and buy various Black Hole memorabilia." Cat: "Black Holes have souvenir shops in the middle?" Rimmer: "He's taking the smeg. Will you stop talking to that cheap piece of junk? We've got to work out how to get out of here." * Rimmer: "Explain this miladdo: how does a novelty kitchen appliance suddenly get to know so much about Black Holes?" Talkie Toaster: "I have a voracious appetite for reading." Rimmer: "Holly told you how we could escape, didn't he? After he got his IQ back, but before he went off-line. Did he mention how we could get out of this one?" Talkie Toaster: grill glowing red "Maybe. Depends on whether or not anybody wants any toast." * Talkie Toaster: Cat is forced to eat his thirty-fifth slice of toast "Yes, keep eating the toast..." * Cat: "I want you to live with this for the rest of your life - you make real lousy toast. It's cold, burnt, and it's soggy." Talkie Toaster: "What d'you expect for $£19.99 plus tax? Conversation, quantum theory AND good toast?" * [Lister has been missing for twenty-four days, and Kryten has stacked Blue Midget with pallets of bread, rolls and baps] Talkie Toaster: "I only pray we've brought enough bread." * Talkie Toaster: "Careful, I'm not waterproof!" * Talkie Toaster: the personality of an angry moose after being destroyed and rebuilt by Kryten "MAAHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO!" (Better Than Life) Behind the scenes * Talkie Toaster was voiced by John Lenahan in the first and second series, and by David Ross (who also played Kryten in his debut episode) after Talkie Toaster was destroyed by Lister and rebuilt by Kryten in the fourth series. * In Built to Last, the Series IV making-of featurette, the cast talk very fondly of the character Talkie Toaster returning from the early series. Robert Llewellyn was worried, however, that David Ross had gotten the part since Llewellyn had taken Ross' role playing Kryten. There was no animosity however and Ross even commended Llewellyn on his portrayal of Kryten. * One of the Red Dwarf novels, Better Than Life, says that Lister adored junk and electronic crap. Accordingly, he had collected the Talkie Toaster, some robot goldfish, a musical toilet-roll holder that plays "Morning has Broken", and an electronic chilli thermometer for measuring his curry from "Very Hot" to "Book A Plot In The Cemetery, Matie". There was of course the talking toilet, although this may have been a standard-issue feature on the ship. * Early, unproduced scripts would have had Talkie Toaster become a villain, erasing Holly and taking over Red Dwarf, although ultimately this idea went unrealised in the show. It was the idea of director Ed Bye, who stated that TT was his favorite character, but the writers apparently never went along with it. * After co-writer Rob Grant left the franchise, Doug Naylor decided that Series VI and Series VII would be set entirely aboard Starbug, to set up a new dynamic in the show as the crew try to find their stolen mothership. Naylor's original idea was that Talkie Toaster would have been revealed as the culprit who stole Red Dwarf. However the idea was eventually settled on that it would be the nanobots instead. This was revealed in Nanarchy. * In British English, 'crapola' suggest very badly made or pointless, but not harmful or, generally, expensive. Interviews The Toaster's interviews with various Red Dwarf characters (complete with offers of toast) can be found on the [http://www.reddwarf.co.uk official Red Dwarf website]. Category:Characters Category:Robots Category:Series I Category:Series IV Category:Novels Category:Recurring Characters Category:Red Dwarf Equipment Category:Technology Category:Artificial Intelligence Category:Red Dwarf Crew